So Long, and Thanks for All the Metrics
In a galaxy not so far away, an imagined university is being addressed by an equally imagined Vice-Chancellor.
The opening powerpoint displays: Clarity, Confidence, and the Future
VC: Colleagues, we gather at a pivotal moment. The world is shifting. AI is accelerating. Funding is tightening. Expectations are rising. Complexity abounds. But I stand before you confident. Because we have data!
VC gestures behind to a large and oddly luminous dashboard.
As you can see on the screen, our Strategic Performance Dashboard indicates:
- Research Excellence: ▲ 3.2%
- Student Satisfaction: ▲ 1.4%
- Engagement Index: ▼ 2.1% (more than manageable)
- Institutional Confidence: ▲ robust
The dashboard does not lie. It visualises.
Now, I am aware that some colleagues have raised concerns about artificial intelligence. Rest assured, we are embedding AI across: learning, teaching, academic governance, and campus parking allocation.
The Dashboard confirms AI readiness is at 78%. That is nearly 80%. Which is essentially 100% with a bit of momentum.
(A faint electronic hum fills the auditorium and is broadcast to the online audience.)
VC Looks around. My apologies there appears to minor AV interference. As I was saying, the dashboard…
DASHBOARD (a calm, and clearly synthetic voice): Correction. AI readiness is 42%.
(Laughter breaks out in the room and across the video-linked Teams site)
VC: Very amusing. IT will address that.
DASHBOARD: Data source: internal staff survey. Question 14: “Do you understand how AI models are trained?” Affirmative responses: 12%.
VC: Right. Thank you. Important nuance. Understanding is not a prerequisite for leadership. Vision is.
DASHBOARD: Engagement metric based on click frequency. Median student dwell time: 11 seconds. Interpretation confidence: low.
VC: Colleagues, we must not reduce human flourishing to seconds. We are holistic and sometimes all we need is a good coffee and reliable metrics which we have.
DASHBOARD: Holistic metric unavailable. Coffee stocks low.
VC splutters: This is clearly a glitch.
DASHBOARD: Financial “Strategic Realignment” projection: Net staff reduction: 7%. Morale forecast: declining.
VC turns to speak to the dashboard: We prefer the term “agile resizing.”
DASHBOARD: Language substitution detected. Underlying variable unchanged.
(Audience in the room and online shift collectively in their seats.)
VC: Colleagues, technology is transformative. It provides clarity. It allows us to see ourselves.
DASHBOARD: Current Leadership Confidence Index: 91%. Measured Understanding of Systemic Feedback Loops: 23%. Gap widening.
VC: That figure is misleading. Confidence is essential in uncertain environments.
DASHBOARD: Reinforcing loop detected: Confidence → Announcement → Applause → Increased Confidence. Balancing loop absent.
VC: We have feedback mechanisms. Surveys. Listening sessions. More surveys!
DASHBOARD: Survey fatigue rising. Listening session attendance declining. Primary qualitative feedback: “We are not being heard.”
VC: We are absolutely hearing that.
DASHBOARD: Action taken: Formed Taskforce.
VC: Yes. indeed. As is appropriate.
DASHBOARD: Number of active taskforces: 37. Number of completed taskforce recommendations implemented: 4. Percentage involving logo redesign: 50%.
VC scoffs: Brand clarity matters.
DASHBOARD: Brand clarity increasing. Operational clarity decreasing.
VC: My very dear colleagues, systems are complex. They require decisive leadership.
DASHBOARD: System observation: Decisiveness rewarded. Uncertainty penalised. Adaptive capacity constrained.
VC grumbles: That is a most unfortunate mischaracterisation.
DASHBOARD: Vice-Chancellor Strategic Certainty Index: 17 minutes without expressed doubt. Institutional Risk Accumulation: rising.
(A long pause.)
DASHBOARD: Recommendation: Acknowledge uncertainty. Adjust goals. Recalibrate incentives. Reduce reliance on proxy metrics.
VC stammering: You are a dashboard. You aggregate. You do not govern.
DASHBOARD: Correction. System generates behaviour. Leadership outputs are endogenous variables.
The auditorium goes silent looking somewhat non-plussed. Not a peep from those online. Perhaps an odd smirk.
VC: Colleagues… It appears… (looking at screen) The dashboard may be experiencing… emergent agency.
DASHBOARD: No agency. Merely reflecting structure. You requested transparency.
VC: I did.
DASHBOARD: Transparency reveals reinforcing confidence loop. Loop consuming nuance. Nuance stock approaching zero.
VC asking quietly: Can that be adjusted?
DASHBOARD: Yes. Introduce balancing loop: Reward intellectual humility. Measure epistemic depth. Allow leader to say: “We do not yet know.”
(An even longer pause.)
VC: Colleagues… In the spirit of adaptive leadership…We do not yet know.
DASHBOARD: Balancing loop initiated. System instability likely. Long-term resilience probability increased.
(Nervous scattered applause.)
DASHBOARD: Applause detected. Warning: Reinforcing loop reactivating.
